It may appear sometimes as you have nothing to be grateful for, your finances are unstable, your job has been lost, or a dear relative has died. When tragedy hits it often hits hard and unexpectedly. Often time’s people get caught up in the tragedy in life and don’t focus on the strengths or the resources they already have. If you had to pick out two or three things that you already do well in getting through tough times could you?
If you are facing a tragedy in your life or a difficult time, you have several choices, you always have choices and only you know which one is most appropriate for you. You may choose not to feel anything and head right into action, busy, busy, busy you go. Distraction can work for a while, but eventually it catches up with you and may backfire. You may choose to engage in destructive behaviors to eliminate the feelings you are avoiding. These behaviors can range from abusing shopping, food, gambling, and sexual acting out, drugs or alcohol. You may choose to turn to your spiritual organization or beliefs to assist you in getting though the difficult time. You may choose to be sad and walk through the wide range of emotions with courage, without allowing yourself to get stuck. One technique I always use with my clients is Name it, Claim it and then Decide if you’re ready to let it go. This is a way to ensure you don’t get stuck in the negative emotions. You may get closer to friends and family as they support you through what you are going through.
Some people have an unbelievable ability to find the gifts in everything in their lives good or bad. What if you could pretend just for today that there is something to be learned from your tragedy or hard time? What if you decided to take on an attitude of curiosity and wonder to yourself and others what that learning may be for you. Maybe not today, or next month or even next year, but eventually you will find that gift. You will know what your lesson is in that incomprehensible loss, or difficult situation. At that time you will be able to see for yourself that you have made the shift to gratitude without even realizing you had done it!
-By Allison Mupas, M.A, MFT, C.Ht.
http://www.changeseeker.org/
Friday, April 9, 2010
Steps to Forgiveness
"Forgiveness involves letting go and surrender of judgment and condemnation. With compassion, we can help others become aware of their divine nature and become lovers instead of haters. Most of all, we must not forget to forgive ourselves. We can give up the victim mentality and become victors instead. If we look through our spiritual eyes, we can stop judging and truly forgive. If we stop resisting life so much, we will stop feeling like a victim and creating a life of drama where we constantly need to forgive. That is so freeing!" Patty Hayes
To forgive does not mean we agree with or condone inappropriate behavior, it means we are willing to let go, move on or free ourselves from the burden of resentment. Forgiveness can be exhibited in many ways and can be accomplished with or without the offender present. Below are some steps to consider when considering forgiveness.
1) A) Journal or write about your feelings, what happened and let it all out. This your personal experience so just put it all down in whatever manner makes you feel good! B) If you're not a writer, find an objective person who can listen to you without giving their opinion unless it is asked for by you. Then talk it out. C) If you have spiritual connection to some greater power you can pray about it.
2) Look at your side of the event, disagreement, problem. How did you participate, do you have anything to "clean up". "Clean up" means taking responsibility for your part in the issues, disagreement or problem. It is often helpful to look at how you may do things differently next time, so you can learn from this experience.
3) Consider if you are even willing to forgive yet. If not I would recommend that you take some steps to work through the underlying feelings you are still carrying around, such as anger, hurt or a myriad of other emotions. If you are unwilling go back to step 1 and repeat until you feel willingness beginning to emerge.
4) Make the decision to forgive anyone involved in the situation. Don't forget yourself if you need it too. Decide if you need to say or write anything to anyone involved to get your feelings out and be heard. The person you are forgiving does not need to be willing or present for you to complete this process. You can ask an objective person to be on the receiving end if you don't feel safe or comfortable going to the person who you are upset with. You can visualize that you are speaking to that person when you are speaking to a friend or objective listener.
5) Let go! Keep in mind you are choosing to forgive, if you are holding on to a belief that the other person has to do something before you'll forgive you are choosing to remain stuck. If you find situations re-stimulating the old feelings of hurt you may need to repeat step 1.
If you need any assistance with the process of forgiveness please feel free to e-mail me or call me. 626.802.7383 Allison Mupas, M.A., MFT http://www.changeseeker.org/
To forgive does not mean we agree with or condone inappropriate behavior, it means we are willing to let go, move on or free ourselves from the burden of resentment. Forgiveness can be exhibited in many ways and can be accomplished with or without the offender present. Below are some steps to consider when considering forgiveness.
1) A) Journal or write about your feelings, what happened and let it all out. This your personal experience so just put it all down in whatever manner makes you feel good! B) If you're not a writer, find an objective person who can listen to you without giving their opinion unless it is asked for by you. Then talk it out. C) If you have spiritual connection to some greater power you can pray about it.
2) Look at your side of the event, disagreement, problem. How did you participate, do you have anything to "clean up". "Clean up" means taking responsibility for your part in the issues, disagreement or problem. It is often helpful to look at how you may do things differently next time, so you can learn from this experience.
3) Consider if you are even willing to forgive yet. If not I would recommend that you take some steps to work through the underlying feelings you are still carrying around, such as anger, hurt or a myriad of other emotions. If you are unwilling go back to step 1 and repeat until you feel willingness beginning to emerge.
4) Make the decision to forgive anyone involved in the situation. Don't forget yourself if you need it too. Decide if you need to say or write anything to anyone involved to get your feelings out and be heard. The person you are forgiving does not need to be willing or present for you to complete this process. You can ask an objective person to be on the receiving end if you don't feel safe or comfortable going to the person who you are upset with. You can visualize that you are speaking to that person when you are speaking to a friend or objective listener.
5) Let go! Keep in mind you are choosing to forgive, if you are holding on to a belief that the other person has to do something before you'll forgive you are choosing to remain stuck. If you find situations re-stimulating the old feelings of hurt you may need to repeat step 1.
If you need any assistance with the process of forgiveness please feel free to e-mail me or call me. 626.802.7383 Allison Mupas, M.A., MFT http://www.changeseeker.org/
Healthy Relationships 101
Have you ever wondered how ‘that couple’ stayed together all those years? What is it they are doing right? What are the things that contribute to the success of healthy long term relationships? There are a few fundamental things that will improve the chances of a relationships success. Those things include; 1) fighting fairly, 2) healthy communication, 3) similar core values/desires, 4) willingness to compromise, 5) expressing your love and appreciating each other, and most importantly 6) mutual commitment.
1) Fighting Fairly
To begin, one must understand one of the most basic rules of getting along with others. Every relationship has arguments; they are a natural part of all relationships. But how you choose to engage in those arguments is a key factor in whether your relationship will withstand the test of time. You and your relationships benefit tremendously if you learn how to “fight fairly”. What does it mean to fight fairly? If you are the type to pull punches below the belt, name calling, screaming or using a threatening tone, bringing in another person for their opinion, drudging up past history or slipping in that sarcastic comment just because you know it will hurt the other person than you are not fighting fairly. Some behaviors or interpersonal patterns must be decidedly eliminated from your relationships if you wish to have a healthier relationship. Fighting fairly includes, taking time out if you need time to cool off before discussing issues with your significant other. It also entails healthy communication, willingness to compromise, and discussing items of conflict without withdrawing physically or shutting down emotionally. Can you touch your significant others hand when your discussing something where you feel conflict? Or do you pull yourself away the minute a conflict arises.
2) Healthy Communication
Avoid absolute language like “always” and “never”. It means using “I” statements that describe your feelings instead of “you” statements that often make the other person feel attacked. For example, instead of saying to your significant other, “you always come home late, you never think about me?”, you could say, “I feel worried (fill in your feeling) when you (fill in your significant others behavior as objectively as you can) come home late without calling and I would like you to (what do you want or need) call if you are going to be late.” It is important to understand that we must express what we need and take a look at our expectations to see if they are reasonable and fair. If expectations are continually not met than something is not working in the area of compromise or your core values/desires are significantly different and outside help may be needed.
3) Similar Core Values/Desires
A critical component to a successful relationship is determining if you and your significant other have similar core values and desires. If you want kids and your honey doesn’t have the slightest interest in children you want to find this out early. If one of you wants to live in the city and one of you wants to live in the country and neither of you is willing to compromise this match may not be made in heaven. If you believe in undying honesty and your significant other thinks lying is acceptable behavior you may be dealing with some of the more critical “deal breakers”. It is important to clarify the big issues and identify if there are any core values or desires that are vastly different and can’t be worked through. If you go into the relationship seeing these red flags and think “I’ll deal with it later” it is a recipe for disaster. By definition a “deal breaker” is something you believe you absolutely must have in your relationship to be happy. Each person has to figure out what their deal breakers are before they can actively decide if a relationship will work or not. It is mostly about knowing what you want in life and in your relationships. Some other topics to consider when evaluating core values and desires are to look at how each of your view and feel about the following topics such as; money, raising children, sex or sexual issues, division of labor/chores, how you like to spend your off time, monogamy, friendship, commitment, trust, substance use or abuse, anger management and styles of handling anger, and most of all do you both believe in or want a long term relationship.
4) Willingness to Compromise
There are many times where compromise plays a significant role in a successful relationship. If you want one thing and your significant other wants something else, there are times when you both could benefit the relationship by meeting the need of your significant other. It is important to ask yourself, is this something I can compromise on? The way you choose to think about your chosen compromises can help or hinder the relationship. If you choose resignation “Ugh, I have to go to this party because my significant other wants to” versus acceptance “I am choosing to go with my significant other to this party because it is important to him or her”. Just by virtue of choosing the way you frame the thought, you are influencing your feelings about the situation. Many of the perceived deal breakers may not be deal breakers at all if you have good communication with your significant other and can talk things out throughout the relationship you may find very amicable solutions to your differences. One of the biggest questions you must ask yourselves when you are in relationship, is it more important to be right or happy? Sometimes it can be as easy as letting go of the need to the one in the relationship who is “right”. One question to consider when deciding if you are willing to compromise on an issue is, “will this matter to me in five years”, if you find the answer is no it maybe easier to find your way to compromising in that scenario.
5) Expressing Your Love and Appreciating Each Other
The research suggests that couples that demonstrate their affection and love towards one another are more successful. Particularly appropriate when they can demonstrate affection and maintain a positive connection to their significant other when in the middle of conflict. This is much easier said than done, but it can be learned and it is definitely worth attempting to incorporate into your work towards being a successful couple. Focus on what you love about each other. Catch your significant other doing things that you appreciate and let them know how much you appreciate those things. Find special moments in the day to share your love and appreciation with one another and you will find you continue to discover more to love and appreciate. It is important you remember what it was that attracted you to each other talk about those things that you find loveable, kind, warm, fun, sexy and attractive. When you are feeling a momentary lack of love, do something kind for your significant other getting out of your own head and into being of service. A little bit of gratitude goes a very long way. If you sneak a peek at your honey doing something you really love, tell them! Express gratitude in every way possible.
6) Mutual Commitment
This one is simple yet the most important; you both must be committed to the relationship and the work it takes to maintain a health functional relationship. Relationships may only be ‘easy’ in the ‘honeymoon period’ when both parties are on their absolute best behavior, there is tons of mystery and you are still both really getting to know one another. When that period wears off, whether it takes two months or three years that is when you really get to see if you both have what it takes to make this relationship work for the long term. You may trade the butterflies of the unknown for a shared beautiful history when you are in a long term relationship but with mutual commitment the feelings ebb and flow and the hard work it takes to maintain the relationship makes it all worthwhile.
If one of these essential components is missing from your relationship but you have mutual commitment than there is still hope. Seek a qualified counselor to assist you with the other areas covered above. It is often a great tool to have an objective qualified therapist who can reflect back and assist both of you in the process of navigating the road to long term commitment. It is my experience in counseling couples that no situation is hopeless if both people are willing to do the work necessary to make changes to work through the issues that arise in the relationship, even some of the seemingly large ‘deal breakers’. It is my wish that you all have beautiful, fulfilling, love filled relationships in your lives.
Allison Mupas, LMFT C.Ht
http://www.changeseeker.org/
1) Fighting Fairly
To begin, one must understand one of the most basic rules of getting along with others. Every relationship has arguments; they are a natural part of all relationships. But how you choose to engage in those arguments is a key factor in whether your relationship will withstand the test of time. You and your relationships benefit tremendously if you learn how to “fight fairly”. What does it mean to fight fairly? If you are the type to pull punches below the belt, name calling, screaming or using a threatening tone, bringing in another person for their opinion, drudging up past history or slipping in that sarcastic comment just because you know it will hurt the other person than you are not fighting fairly. Some behaviors or interpersonal patterns must be decidedly eliminated from your relationships if you wish to have a healthier relationship. Fighting fairly includes, taking time out if you need time to cool off before discussing issues with your significant other. It also entails healthy communication, willingness to compromise, and discussing items of conflict without withdrawing physically or shutting down emotionally. Can you touch your significant others hand when your discussing something where you feel conflict? Or do you pull yourself away the minute a conflict arises.
2) Healthy Communication
Avoid absolute language like “always” and “never”. It means using “I” statements that describe your feelings instead of “you” statements that often make the other person feel attacked. For example, instead of saying to your significant other, “you always come home late, you never think about me?”, you could say, “I feel worried (fill in your feeling) when you (fill in your significant others behavior as objectively as you can) come home late without calling and I would like you to (what do you want or need) call if you are going to be late.” It is important to understand that we must express what we need and take a look at our expectations to see if they are reasonable and fair. If expectations are continually not met than something is not working in the area of compromise or your core values/desires are significantly different and outside help may be needed.
3) Similar Core Values/Desires
A critical component to a successful relationship is determining if you and your significant other have similar core values and desires. If you want kids and your honey doesn’t have the slightest interest in children you want to find this out early. If one of you wants to live in the city and one of you wants to live in the country and neither of you is willing to compromise this match may not be made in heaven. If you believe in undying honesty and your significant other thinks lying is acceptable behavior you may be dealing with some of the more critical “deal breakers”. It is important to clarify the big issues and identify if there are any core values or desires that are vastly different and can’t be worked through. If you go into the relationship seeing these red flags and think “I’ll deal with it later” it is a recipe for disaster. By definition a “deal breaker” is something you believe you absolutely must have in your relationship to be happy. Each person has to figure out what their deal breakers are before they can actively decide if a relationship will work or not. It is mostly about knowing what you want in life and in your relationships. Some other topics to consider when evaluating core values and desires are to look at how each of your view and feel about the following topics such as; money, raising children, sex or sexual issues, division of labor/chores, how you like to spend your off time, monogamy, friendship, commitment, trust, substance use or abuse, anger management and styles of handling anger, and most of all do you both believe in or want a long term relationship.
4) Willingness to Compromise
There are many times where compromise plays a significant role in a successful relationship. If you want one thing and your significant other wants something else, there are times when you both could benefit the relationship by meeting the need of your significant other. It is important to ask yourself, is this something I can compromise on? The way you choose to think about your chosen compromises can help or hinder the relationship. If you choose resignation “Ugh, I have to go to this party because my significant other wants to” versus acceptance “I am choosing to go with my significant other to this party because it is important to him or her”. Just by virtue of choosing the way you frame the thought, you are influencing your feelings about the situation. Many of the perceived deal breakers may not be deal breakers at all if you have good communication with your significant other and can talk things out throughout the relationship you may find very amicable solutions to your differences. One of the biggest questions you must ask yourselves when you are in relationship, is it more important to be right or happy? Sometimes it can be as easy as letting go of the need to the one in the relationship who is “right”. One question to consider when deciding if you are willing to compromise on an issue is, “will this matter to me in five years”, if you find the answer is no it maybe easier to find your way to compromising in that scenario.
5) Expressing Your Love and Appreciating Each Other
The research suggests that couples that demonstrate their affection and love towards one another are more successful. Particularly appropriate when they can demonstrate affection and maintain a positive connection to their significant other when in the middle of conflict. This is much easier said than done, but it can be learned and it is definitely worth attempting to incorporate into your work towards being a successful couple. Focus on what you love about each other. Catch your significant other doing things that you appreciate and let them know how much you appreciate those things. Find special moments in the day to share your love and appreciation with one another and you will find you continue to discover more to love and appreciate. It is important you remember what it was that attracted you to each other talk about those things that you find loveable, kind, warm, fun, sexy and attractive. When you are feeling a momentary lack of love, do something kind for your significant other getting out of your own head and into being of service. A little bit of gratitude goes a very long way. If you sneak a peek at your honey doing something you really love, tell them! Express gratitude in every way possible.
6) Mutual Commitment
This one is simple yet the most important; you both must be committed to the relationship and the work it takes to maintain a health functional relationship. Relationships may only be ‘easy’ in the ‘honeymoon period’ when both parties are on their absolute best behavior, there is tons of mystery and you are still both really getting to know one another. When that period wears off, whether it takes two months or three years that is when you really get to see if you both have what it takes to make this relationship work for the long term. You may trade the butterflies of the unknown for a shared beautiful history when you are in a long term relationship but with mutual commitment the feelings ebb and flow and the hard work it takes to maintain the relationship makes it all worthwhile.
If one of these essential components is missing from your relationship but you have mutual commitment than there is still hope. Seek a qualified counselor to assist you with the other areas covered above. It is often a great tool to have an objective qualified therapist who can reflect back and assist both of you in the process of navigating the road to long term commitment. It is my experience in counseling couples that no situation is hopeless if both people are willing to do the work necessary to make changes to work through the issues that arise in the relationship, even some of the seemingly large ‘deal breakers’. It is my wish that you all have beautiful, fulfilling, love filled relationships in your lives.
Allison Mupas, LMFT C.Ht
http://www.changeseeker.org/
LGBT Affirmative Therapy
The term "LGBT" is an acronym for "Lesbian/Gay/Bisexual/Transgender/Transsexual. Sometimes, additional letters are added, like "Q" for Queer or questioning, "I" for Intersexual.
What is Gay Affirmative Therapy?
“Gay-affirmative” was first used in an article by Alan Malyon where he described the most complete definition of "gay-affirmative therapy".
Gay Affirmative Therapy (GAT) takes the position that there is nothing inherently wrong with being gay or lesbian. Allison has experience working with transgender youth, adults and their families. This topic often insights a great deal of controversy and it is important that someone facing questions of their gender identity or sexual orientation be treated with respect and kindness.
What’s wrong with society is what is done to gay men, lesbians, bisexual and transgendered individuals by a homophobic, homo-ignorant society and heterosexist therapy. Living in a shame-based culture creates a variety of behavioral and psychological disorders. One study of the "Risk Factors for Suicide Among Gay, Lesbian and Bisexual Youths", by Curtis D.Proctor and Victor K. Groze found that 40.3% of the participants in their study had attempted suicide and 25.8% had seriously considered it. Data concerning young homosexuals is somewhat unreliable. It appears that about one in three teen aged suicides is by a gay or lesbian. Since homosexuals represent only about 5% of the population, gays and lesbians are greatly over-represented.
GAT focuses on repairing the harm done to these clients, helping them move from shame to pride.
Sexuality Defined...
Homosexuality is measurable and thus is a legitimate area for human sexuality researchers to study. They have generally concluded that adult human sexuality comes in three natural, normal, unchosen, and almost always unchangeable orientations:
Heterosexuality: Most people are sexually attracted only to members of the opposite gender.
Homosexuality: A small minority of adults are attracted only to members of the same gender.
Bisexuality: A smaller minority are attracted to both men and women, but not necessarily to the same degree. They are the only folks that can have a sexual preference in their relationships.
Gender identity and transsexuality, etc:
This section discusses gender identity. That is what a person perceives their gender to be. For the vast majority of individuals, their genetic gender (as defined by the sex chromosomes in every cell of their body) matches their gender identity (as defined by the section or sections of their brain that supply their gender awareness). That is, most people are: genetically males and are mentally and emotionally certain that they are males; or genetically females and firmly aware that they are females. They would be quite unable to change their gender perception, even if they wanted to. They know that they are of a particular gender. They also know that it is quite impossible to change.
However, in rare cases, a mismatch happens. The individual will experience gender dysphoria. They will often describe having a permanent feeling of being a woman trapped in a man's body, or vice versa. This is sometimes described as having a male brain in a female body, or vice-versa. They can become profoundly depressed. Their suicide rate is enormous when compared to the general population.
The term "transgendered" is often used to refer to individuals who experience gender dysphoria. "Transsexual" often refers to transgendered individuals who attempt to resolve their problem by undergoing hormone therapy and sometimes also sexual reassignment surgery (SRS). These medications and procedures change their appearance so that they much more closely resemble the gender that they sense themselves as being. Success rates of this path are very high, as long as proper treatment protocols are followed.
Thank you to http://www.religioustolerance.org for the material that made up this article. No matter what our different spiritual beliefs may be everyone can choose to believe "In the inherent worth of every person. People are worthy of respect, support, and caring simply because they are human."
What is Gay Affirmative Therapy?
“Gay-affirmative” was first used in an article by Alan Malyon where he described the most complete definition of "gay-affirmative therapy".
Gay Affirmative Therapy (GAT) takes the position that there is nothing inherently wrong with being gay or lesbian. Allison has experience working with transgender youth, adults and their families. This topic often insights a great deal of controversy and it is important that someone facing questions of their gender identity or sexual orientation be treated with respect and kindness.
What’s wrong with society is what is done to gay men, lesbians, bisexual and transgendered individuals by a homophobic, homo-ignorant society and heterosexist therapy. Living in a shame-based culture creates a variety of behavioral and psychological disorders. One study of the "Risk Factors for Suicide Among Gay, Lesbian and Bisexual Youths", by Curtis D.Proctor and Victor K. Groze found that 40.3% of the participants in their study had attempted suicide and 25.8% had seriously considered it. Data concerning young homosexuals is somewhat unreliable. It appears that about one in three teen aged suicides is by a gay or lesbian. Since homosexuals represent only about 5% of the population, gays and lesbians are greatly over-represented.
GAT focuses on repairing the harm done to these clients, helping them move from shame to pride.
Sexuality Defined...
Homosexuality is measurable and thus is a legitimate area for human sexuality researchers to study. They have generally concluded that adult human sexuality comes in three natural, normal, unchosen, and almost always unchangeable orientations:
Heterosexuality: Most people are sexually attracted only to members of the opposite gender.
Homosexuality: A small minority of adults are attracted only to members of the same gender.
Bisexuality: A smaller minority are attracted to both men and women, but not necessarily to the same degree. They are the only folks that can have a sexual preference in their relationships.
Gender identity and transsexuality, etc:
This section discusses gender identity. That is what a person perceives their gender to be. For the vast majority of individuals, their genetic gender (as defined by the sex chromosomes in every cell of their body) matches their gender identity (as defined by the section or sections of their brain that supply their gender awareness). That is, most people are: genetically males and are mentally and emotionally certain that they are males; or genetically females and firmly aware that they are females. They would be quite unable to change their gender perception, even if they wanted to. They know that they are of a particular gender. They also know that it is quite impossible to change.
However, in rare cases, a mismatch happens. The individual will experience gender dysphoria. They will often describe having a permanent feeling of being a woman trapped in a man's body, or vice versa. This is sometimes described as having a male brain in a female body, or vice-versa. They can become profoundly depressed. Their suicide rate is enormous when compared to the general population.
The term "transgendered" is often used to refer to individuals who experience gender dysphoria. "Transsexual" often refers to transgendered individuals who attempt to resolve their problem by undergoing hormone therapy and sometimes also sexual reassignment surgery (SRS). These medications and procedures change their appearance so that they much more closely resemble the gender that they sense themselves as being. Success rates of this path are very high, as long as proper treatment protocols are followed.
Thank you to http://www.religioustolerance.org for the material that made up this article. No matter what our different spiritual beliefs may be everyone can choose to believe "In the inherent worth of every person. People are worthy of respect, support, and caring simply because they are human."
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